Parenting styles: Which one works best?

Parenting is complicated. And everyone does it a little differently. Plus, each kid can require a slightly different approach.

But decades of research have shown that one parenting style increases your chances of raising a resilient kid who finds success in school, relationships and work.

Adrienne Anderson, Ph.D., Pediatric Psychologist at Children’s Health℠ and Associate Professor at UT Southwestern, breaks down the four parenting styles – and provides tips on how to set boundaries while also promoting your child’s independence.

What are the different types of parenting styles and how do they affect kids?

There are four parenting styles that have been scientifically researched as common approaches to parenting. They each have a different blend of two elements: "responsiveness" and "demandingness."

• Responsiveness is how warm and caring a parent is day-to-day.

• Demandingness is how many demands, limits or rules a parent uses day-to-day.

What is gentle parenting?

Recently, "gentle parenting" has become a popular way to describe a parenting approach. But Dr. Anderson says this approach as a whole has limited scientific evidence to support it.

"Gentle parenting is centered on a desire to validate a child's feelings, which is something that previous generations of parents didn't always prioritize," said Dr. Anderson.

But gentle parenting has a concerning pitfall: a potential a lack of consistent boundaries.

"As a parent, you want to validate that your child's emotions – and that we all have a range of emotions," said Dr. Anderson. "But children also need to know that there are important limits or boundaries and acceptable ways to express their emotions. For example, hitting, kicking or punching are not acceptable ways to express anger."

How to set boundaries while also promoting independence

A key part of authoritative parenting is balancing boundaries and autonomy.

• Boundaries are the rules and limits that guide your child’s behavior.

• Autonomy is the freedom your child has to do things on their own.

Every child may require a different mix of boundaries and autonomy. Some children are more naturally responsible and thrive with more independence, while others need more structure and support. Dr. Anderson recommends starting with what’s developmentally appropriate, and then adjusting based on your child's needs. For example:

• A toddler who is developing motor skills around age 1 might begin trying to feed themselves (autonomy). But by age 7, a child who is capable of using utensils (boundary) no longer needs a parent to cut their food for them.

• If a teenager wants to stay out later and you agree on a 9:30 p.m. curfew (autonomy), but they come home at 10:30 p.m., you might say: "You showed me you’re not ready for a later curfew yet. So we need to move it back for now – until you can handle more responsibility." (boundary)

At the same time, kids need autonomy – the freedom to try things, make mistakes and learn. This is the opposite of helicopter parenting, a popular term used to describe overinvolved parenting that’s not considered an evidence-based style.

Related podcast
Learn more about how to avoid being a helicopter parent by listening to this episode of Children’s Health Checkup podcast.

8 tips for being a more authoritative parent

Finding the ideal mix of warmth, support, boundaries and autonomy to be an authoritative parent can be challenging day-to-day. Here are some tips from Dr. Anderson.

Tip #1: Be consistent

Consistency is one of the most important elements of effective, authoritative parenting. That's why Dr. Anderson encourages parents and caregivers – especially those who grew up with different backgrounds, cultures and parenting experiences – to have open conversations about how they'll parent as a team.

For example, how will you handle it if your child refuses to eat what you made for dinner? Will you offer an alternative like a PB&J – or not? Discussing these everyday situations in advance helps you stay aligned, and may even prompt you to reflect on how your own childhood influences your parenting style.

Tip #2: Make consequences realistic and consistent

When setting consequences, aim for ones that are fair and that you can realistically stick to. For example, if your child doesn't clean their room and you decide to take away screen time, make sure the amount of time feels manageable for you, too.

"Technology can be a powerful tool for setting boundaries. But if you say you'll take away the tablet for a week and you know you'll need it the next day to keep your child occupied, that sends mixed messages," said Dr. Anderson.

Following through with consistent consequences helps your child know what to expect, and builds trust over time.

Learn more about what works when it comes to disciplining your child.

Tip #3: Offer limited choices

"Kids don’t know what they don't know. So you don’t have to overwhelm them with too many choices," said Dr. Anderson. "Offering two or three simple choices is often enough to help them feel involved."

You can tell a young child: "We need to clean up the house. Would you rather empty the dishwasher or take out the trash? I'll give you until after breakfast to decide or I can help you choose."

To make choice-giving more effective and supportive:

• Be clear and specific about the limited options you’re offering

• Set a time frame for your child to decide

Tip #4: Stay calm and avoid negotiating

It's easy to fall into negotiating with your child, especially when they push back. But often, it's not necessary.

Instead, Dr. Anderson encourages parents to confidently and calmy stick to the family’s expectations. For example: "In our home, phones stay out of the bedroom, and bedtime is at 9 p.m., even on weekends."

If your child compares your rules to a friend's, try responding with empathy and clarity: "I know other families may do things differently and that's OK. These are the rules that work for our family."

Tip #5: Be mindful of what you're modeling

Sometimes, kids who yell, slam doors or throw tantrums may be modeling what they've seen – not just how they feel.

"I often help parents see that a certain behavior from their child is actually something they've unintentionally learned at home," said Dr. Anderson.

No one handles every moment perfectly, and that's OK. What matters is being aware of your own reactions and making an effort to model the calm, respectful behavior you want to see in your child, while helping them manage their own emotions, too.

Tip #6: Own your feelings

Everyone loses their cool sometimes. And when that happens, it can actually be a powerful teaching moment.

Letting your child know when you're feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to breathe shows them that adults have big feelings too – and that we can manage them in healthy ways.

Need help calming down in the moment? Try simple breathing exercises that you and your child can both use.

Tip #7: Know that it’s normal not to always like each other

At some point, your children will likely say something hurtful like, "You're mean" or "I hate you." It stings – but it's also common.

If these comments hit especially hard, it may be worth asking yourself: Why is it so important to be liked by my child right now?

"Your kids are not always going to like you. And you may not always like them. And that's OK. Your love is still consistent," said Dr. Anderson.

Reminding yourself of this can help you stay grounded and respond with more patience during tough moments.

Tip #8: Don’t forget that kids are resilient and forgiving

Chances are, your kids won't even remember a big argument from the day before. They've moved on. And that means you can too.

What matters most is parenting is not perfection, but how you repair and reconnect. Kids are often more forgiving than we expect.

Changing your parenting style

Dr. Anderson believes that it’s never too late to adjust your parenting, get on the same page as a partner or co-parent, or learn how to nurture a child's mental health.

A few of her favorite parenting books include:

• Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior by Christine M. Benton and Russell A. Barkley

• SOS: Help for Parents by Lynn Clark

• Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents by Russell A. Barkley

She also tells parents they need to be prepared for their kids to push back if you try to change things up – and that things may get worse before they get better.

When a big shift is required, she recommends working with a psychologist or another behavior management expert to provide the extra support and problem-solving strategies.

When to get more parenting support

It could be a sign that you'd benefit from more parenting expertise or parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT) if:

• You feel like you’ve tried everything and don’t know what else to do

• You want to try something different but don’t know how or what

• Your child is consistently getting into trouble at school

Learn more

Children's Health provides comprehensive services to support parents and families. Learn more about our Pediatric Psychiatry and Psychology Programs.

You can also access emotional care and support from the comfort of your home with Virtual Visit Behavioral Health. With a behavioral health care appointment, you can speak to a board-certified psychiatrist or licensed therapist using video technology. Learn more about Virtual Visit Behavioral Health.